The blurbs in italics are my inspiration for each haiku, just in case you were wondering. I'm sure everyone knows what a haiku is but just in case: A Japanese poem composed of three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, usually containing a season word. Definition taken from here (E).
(1) New Notebook
Blank piece of paper
The pen is ready to write
Let the magic start
(2) N/A
I do not need wings
to fly above all
things in this world, free
(3) Drivers Ed.
Student drivers
The road looms before them
Brakes are their best friend
(4) Drivers Ed. (in the rain)
Caution: bad drivers
Wet roads tend to cause trouble
Travel with great care
(5) Not following through with new year resolutions
New Year hopes and goals
Already lost, forgotten
What a shame that is
(6) The movie In Her Shoes
Estranged sister
What a web we have woven!
Tangles can be undone
(7) Piano lesson
Music flows through my ears
What can I add to my song?
Laughter and good friends
(8) Saw an airplane
What creates flight for
these ingenious metal birds?
Science I suppose
These are part of a year-long experiment where I try different kinds of poetry every few days. You can find my new poems daily in my YWS blog.
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I have finally made the few changes everyone has suggested! Thank you all for your time and reviews!
Hi there!
ruins it. If you try with a comma, instead of a dash, and leave off the full stop at the end, and don't capitalise your F, it will look so much better.This is really different, and I quite enjoyed it. It's very refreshing, I tell you.
I've never been quite comfortable with haikus - I have what my friends and I refer to as OCD, although I'm not quite that bad - but I like things to fit in their proper place. However, you've just converted me. This work is excellent. Well done.
Right, onto the nitpicking.
Haiku #2 ... You're talking about flying here. Flying. Generally shown in freeform, without any breaks. The
Haiku #4 ... You've overused the word "caution", it's kind of irritating. It just doesn't quite fit. Think about it.
Usually, I don't pick out the individual problems, but I've had no choice this time, because there's hardly any story to it. I know it's difficult to tell a story in three lines, but you should put haikus together where they have a similar topic. Poetry is an art, and you don't find paintings of aeroplanes and pianos in the same room.
Well done, though, I was very refreshed by this.
Hope I helped
~Grin
Two more reviews! You guys are awesome! I will take in all ideas and fix my haikus when school decides not to hate me X/.
Thanks!
MJ
I have to say, I'm a big fan of haiku's ever since we did them in fourth grade. I like how they are short, yet are meant to sum up the subject in those few lines. I mostly enjoyed the first one, though it does have an extra syllable, like Vanadis said. :/ For the others, the subjects seemed a little strange to me, but that may be because they were originally intended to describe aspects of nature (I think
). Either way, that's just what I think of when read a haiku. An I do have a suggestion: Even though haiku's are extremely short, next time you might want to post just one or two at a time, because I don't think anyone really likes to go from reading a poem about a new notebook into one about driving school and then one about piano lessons. It can get confusing and a little tiresome. Either that or find the similarities between several of them (say if there were four about water, earth, air and fire) and post those together so that the reader gets one general vibe from them all.
I hope this helped. Good luck!
Greetings!
Some of these were pretty good. Haiku are in a way both the easiest and hardest to write; they've got three lines, so you don't have to have a huge idea, but you've only got 17 syllables to tell a complete story. First of all, I like the fact that you posted some, as they're one of my favorite types of poetry.
However, your syllables were off.
So I'm going to review these in order:
(1) Syllable breakdown (will be the first thing I mention for each poem from now on.)
5 - 7 - #FF0000 ">6
Perhaps change "begin" to "start" or something of that nature. I like that you described writing as magic, because it really can be.
(2) 5 - #FF0000 ">5 - 5
This one is my second favorite, if I ignore the lack of two syllables, because it reminds me of the beauty of being optimistic. (I'm a pessimist in recovery. :/ )
(3) #FF0000 ">4 - #FF0000 ">6 - 5
"Brakes are their best friend." Isn't that the truth! Very clever.
(4) #FF0000 ">4 - 7 - 5
This one made me laugh out loud; it reminds me of California drivers. Well, that would be "Caution: bad drivers," which actually would fix the syllable error! It's up to you, though. I'm just making suggestions. Also clever.
(5) 5 - 7 - 5
Syllable structure satisfactory. Sat. :/
I'm sure this one resonates with quite a few people. Ten days into it...I agree. Shame. Not like I'm one to talk, though...
(6) #FF0000 ">4 - 7 - #FF0000 ">6
Nothing about this one really jumps at me. It may be because I haven't seen the movie. But you're right; the tangles can always be undone.
(7) #FF0000 ">6 - 7 - 5
This is a nice idea: our friends influence our passions whether we know it or not.
(8) 5 - 7 - 5
This one is my favorite. I like how it's instantly dismissed as science and you go on your merry way. It's so much different from me--I, who read it and then thought, "Oh, the Venturi principle." I wish to be that carefree, and it really reminds me of how scientifically minded I am, scared of everything that can't be explained with math or theories. It's refreshing to see a writer take something that quirky and turn it into something that really sounds deeply within someone.
I have to admit I was a bit disappointed that you didn't pay more attention to your syllable counts. It's always 5 - 7 - 5, and that's very important. Otherwise, you can't call it a haiku.
Also, when I did creative writing in uni, I took a liking to haiku and noticed a theme in them. They're mostly nature based, and they'll say something about a scene or an event without actually telling what's happening. You've done well on that with some of these, and I love the fact that you've used things other than nature scenes. You make some really fun haiku!
So, your main weakness is syllable count. I'd love to see them fixed and see what you've done with them!
Live long and prosper.
-Vanadis, the girl who can't invent her own catch phrases.
I'd like to thank everyone for reviewing my haikus. I will keep your comments in mind when I get back to the others I have written...school has gotten in the way yet again.
Thank you all so much!
MJ
I think #2 and #7 are the weakest of the group, mostly because their title doesn't go along with the haiku. #7 doesn't really talk much about a lesson, it seems to talk about piano playing as a more social event, like you might find at a party or bar, instead of as a structured lesson. #2 doesn't have a title and the haiku is a little confused as a result.
I think the lesson to take away from those two haikus is this: that you need to have a topic/message, in addition to good structure. These poems had the structure down pat, but they didn't exactly match the topic.
I enjoyed the rest of the Haiku's and I encourage you to keep writing poetry daily. Writing is one of those things that we need to practice in order to get better.
Hey there!
Ok, so I'm not so much of a fan of haikus because they tend to leave out a lot of emotion in subjects which, to me, deserve more. You've chosen some odd subjects here, and some of the haikus are really good. However, a lot of what you've written just reads like ... a sentence and not a poem. To counteract this I'd suggest first putting in some punctuation, then adding in poetic devices (imagery and the suchlike) to make the overall flow and feel of your poems better.
But I commend you for trying new poetry styles! I've been a bit terrible at stretching myself, so well done for that!
Hope I helped!
~Amy
hmm. Seventh was my least favorite.
Eight was my favorite, both drivers ed ones were enjoyable.
The first one was great as well.
And it's cool that you tried out a new kind of poetry every day.
All in all, great job.
I guess you also know that not all of your lines have the right amount of syllables but... meh. They were good and I'm not big on constraints; even in the rigid structure of haiku.
*****The Universe****
I think most of the haiku could benefit from some more punctuation.
The second haiku didn't flow as well as I think it could. I'd suggest revising the last two lines to "to fly free above / all things in the world" though it might not have the same impact.
In the fourth haiku, you use "caution" twice. I suggest changing the second "caution" to "care."
The seventh haiku I feel could be stronger if you change "how" into "what."
The third and last haiku made me laugh.
And there's not much else to say except that I think the fifth, sixth, and seventh were your best. The seventh was my favorite.